Personally, 2012 was a really crappy year for my family and I. We lost so many loved ones, which was the beginning of my depression seeing as one of the people we lost was my favourite person in the world, my best friend, and uncle. Of course, the year of 2004 or 05 or 06 was shit as well because I lost my cousin and granddad. I felt so lost! At that stage, I began to detest life so much, I developed so many emotions in one go and felt like I shouldn't be living. I gradually began to feel like I was fading away from the world and becoming invisible in the eyes of my family; which was fine with me. No one would disturb me and I wouldn't have to talk about my feelings.
Before 2012, in 201o or 11 I was meant to go back home and see my uncle and cousin before they were taken away from us; but we missed our flight. And I didn't mind because I thought that the year after that, I'd see everyone. I didn't though. My family was decreasing, nature was stealing them away from us and I couldn't handle it. I become so angry with everyone because they couldn't tell me why this was happening and no one bothered telling me that it's life.
I would like to think that in a previous I was better at letting go of things but I can't imagine that. I was probably the same person, I am now but this time I'm slowly dwindling. I just burst into a rage whenever I think of losing someone, I can't handle myself but I can in some way. I watched as my family crumbled to dust. And I couldn't do anything because we all felt the same pain but expressed it in different ways. I don't think or know what will become of me next, but I truly wish that I could be a better person and stop taking out my anger on people who don't deserve it.
I wanna be better. I wanna find myself. I'm tired of struggling alone, going back into the past and causing pain to myself and everyone else around me.
I've lost my way a little bit this year... and I'm questioning whether I'm on the road of self-discovery or self-distraction.
No comments:
Post a Comment