Notes From London: An Image Collection

Letters To People I Love: Life Reminders

It eventually gets better, without any sort of explanation. You just wake up one morning and you won't be as upset or feel anything sad anymore. And it will be great, in that moment, you will feel invincible. 

Today is that day for me. 

My Best Self-Reminder During Exam Season

Letters To People I Love: Fight for Yourself

I like the not so anonymous anti-school enthusiastic me. I am the mad, big-headed, outspoken but not so rebellious student that roams the school halls when sent out of class. 
At school, I watch as my friends race to make it to class on time, just so they can keep their records clean. Me...not so much! 
In the time that I should make my way to class, I stand and watch as teachers bicker about the failing and exceeding students.
But for me, it's always been the same: "if only she'd put in more effort, she could've done better. She needs to pay more attention, turn in homework on time, she needs to do this, do that..."
Comments which used to drag me down but now I wear proudly on my chest as though they were merit badges of my non-conformity, fun nature.

See I don't need to put in more effort. I don't need to do anything. 
If I cared even the sightliest bit about school, I would have done everything, you're telling me to do without your permission.
I am proud to stand outside the headteacher's office, to fill my exam paper with 'silly' drawings or have a day off school to think about how the 'benefits' of education will triumph those of the uneducated. 

I've been ruined by school. 
And in return, I have ruined a lot of drinks for my friends and I whilst in school, Coke and Vodka is Year 8. Just straight Vodka is Year 9 and 10.
Though by Year 11, I had acknowledged that alcohol in school wasn't rebellious or delightful enough.
I have, however, been faithful to myself throughout.
I have nurtured myself in times of need and congratulated myself when I've succeeded.
It's the failed tests and parents' evenings and awards assemblies between friends, that I found real friends. 
Until today...
Until today, I had slowly realized that over the last few months of 2016, I had consumed enough hatred for school and conformity to call it a friend and it was not a problem.
There is no regret because I can not remember a single word that I've exchanged in a classroom or exam room where I wasn't thinking of being blind drunk. 
For me at this moment, instead of being met with a voice of comfort, reassurance, I was met with a voice of doubt; saying that there was no point in aiming higher but rather, I should settle for what the school said I was capable of. 
Which is ironic seeing as our school motto is "Aim High" and this fucking prick was telling me not to do such a thing...yes, this is why teachers are great! 
This is the reason why school is forced upon us so that the people who should be telling us to go out into the world and do our best are saying that we are incapable of greatness. 
Nevertheless, I refused to bawl my eyes out or show fear despite, knowing that my idealistic utopia had now become a dirtied anxious hallway in which I no longer belonged. 

At times I felt like I was giving in to being a conformer. Though admitting that my teacher was right was something I couldn't do. It wasn't fun googling ''will I be depressed when I leave school?' It wasn't fun when people told me that I was faking it. What made it even worse was having people 'help' by saying 'talking helps' because it doesn't. Believe me, I've tried! 

Initially, I tried to censor this feeling of loneliness. I refused to register as depressed, it seemed silly for someone who's used to being in control of herself. So I turned to self-medicating, I mean literally, all I did was cry, listen to music and read. 

I was no longer myself. School had turned me into something else, someone that I told myself, I wasn't gonna be. It was like the one person who was supposed to be telling me to aspire to greater things enjoyed implying to me, that I couldn't do what I wanted to do. When in all honestly, all I wanted was to have someone step outside and be in the moment with me but feeling helpless in the one place that I was told I would find happiness left me a huge mess. I always told myself, I was to be myself no matter what. But I get it, nobody wants to mix their whites with colours, especially with your siblings, who you unintentionally disagree with 24/7.

With just two months to go, I am more than ecstatic to say goodbye.  
The exams that I'm due to take will decide my future according to the government but I believe otherwise. 
I understand that school hasn't been my favourite and that if I could have a beer the day before my last exam, just one. And it would be grand! But I can't because I know that every moment I wake in the morning, I am counting the days until the 17th of June. However, in the same energetic manner that I am counting down the days, I should make a conscious effort to reclaim all the good things about school. It will not be easy but I'm confident that in the long haul, it will all be worthwhile. I'm now attempting to construct a much healthier life. If I ever spiral again, I hope to have a friend beside me that I can trust. Though for now, I am taking each day as it comes, somedays I'm slightly happier than others, and I'm content with that.