"There's good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad." Kurt Cobain.
I really tried you know. I tried so hard and I couldn't do it. It's true what they say, people always leave and some don't even make it back. But I was tired... I was so irritated with the fact that I was the one who put in most of the work and tried really hard to make it work whilst they stand there and watched me struggle. While they glance with their beady eyes onto everyone that's putting in the effort to make sure that the relationship doesn't fail.
However, I think that I've outgrown the whole concept of relying on others in order to get to where I wanna be. I mean, obviously I will need people but honestly, I already have those people and quite frankly I don't require any more... I mean I don't want them anymore.
I've quoted Kurt Cobain so many times and I'm happy about that because he was realistic. 'Nobody stays a virgin, life fucks us all.' Which is true because life does exactly that when you're a most vulnerable moment and I'm through with it. It's quite obvious that life will continue to 'fuck with me' because at that moment; I will decide whether I want to give up or continue to fight and I will choose to keep on fighting because I'm not a quitter.
We've finished secondary school and I'm truly grateful for the friends that have made it this far with me because... shit, man, I feel like I've lost so many friends and to be completely truthful with you; I don't give bull. It's as though it was bound to happen because the cracks were becoming visible every since day and I couldn't bear the thought of losing someone I've known for a long time but maybe it was because we had known each other for too long...
Anyway, I'm almost finished with my ranting but I do have regrets about the choices I've made these past 6 months and then there are thoughts just roaming around in my mind trying to escape. Right now I have no time to dwell on the past because I have the whole summer to figure myself out and simply decide who is worth having in my life and who isn't.
But do you know what I miss the most out of all my failed relationships? I miss this one friendship where we would just talk about everything for several hours without even realizing how quick time flew by. Is it sad that I considered him as one of the most important people in my life, one of the very few people that I could completely trust without the need to fake anything... but we just drifted apart, and the next thing I know is that we just stopped talking for no reason and that sucks! It really does because I often find myself flicking back in the conversations that we had and I miss that raw truth and honestly.
It's inevitable that we will become our parents. I mean, we are our parents' children... but I mean we do have the right to alter life, right? I mean our paths are already written but can't God can make an exception? Throughout the 16, almost 17 years that I've lived, I've lived a pretty great life. It hasn't been the spontaneous, luxurious life that I dreamed of when I was younger; it's been so much more and I honestly love it and I wouldn't trade it anything else but I guess I'm just searching for something to make it great, something to make it matter.
But in times like these, I often turn to my siblings so I texted my brother; who's in university and he told me to 'Hustle Hard!' which is my new motto. So when I quote people like Kurt Cobain, Tupac, Left Eye, Aaliyah, Biggie and Heath Ledger. It's because they were some of the true realists this world had and whenever they spoke, they were trying to convey a deeper message and that intrigues me a lot because I want to that exact same thing.
Now I'm not trying to claim that I'm always the victim because I can be an absolute b****h most times. Though I feel like I'm made to act like that in order to defend myself. Sorry.
"I'll never let another get close that to me. You see I've grown a lot smarter now. Sometimes you have to choose and then you'll see. If your friend is true then they'll be with you through thick and thin." Left Eye
