It's been a while since I've actually had the time to put my pen to paper and composed something heartfelt. With all the changes taking place, I thought that this would be the perfect time to do so; as eventually, I'd like to look back at this letter and write a response to it...hopefully on this exact date.
Now like most letters, this too has its own recipient but I haven't decided whether or not, I should give it to them; as it would lead to the fall of many dominoes. And I'm just not in the right state of mind to watch such atrocities occur, so for now, I am okay with pinning it against this space.
To (whoever it may concern),
I've written this letter multiple times, on paper, and in my head. Though every time, I tried to start the reason for the letter became different. I'm not sure why and I hope I never find out because deep down I fear the answer. My intention is not to critique you (though it might look that way). It's to show that even though we are not/haven't been 'friends' in the last few years, I am glad to have had you in my life for the years that we got.
You are/were my longest and most treasured friend, and I hope you know how eternally grateful I am for that. But like most friendships, they all come to an end. And I guess, you could call the end of our friendship, my second heartbreak because I invested everything I had in it - only to watch it crumble. And when that happened, I had no idea what to do. I haven't had the slightest clue for the past few months because I didn't want to replace you but then university happened and somehow I saw it as the perfect opportunity for a fresh start.
I can recall conversing with you about our hopes and dreams. The things that we wished for each other. Leicester was to be that for me! I know that you are finally taking the steps to achieve yours and please know how excited I am for you. Because although we didn't work out, I wanted something of ours to excel. Leicester was the fresh start from everything that had been holding me back and most importantly, my new start from you.
Our friendship was a fast-paced kind of friendship. Though it was a tricky one, it was the countless and random drama that broke us. And I would be lying if I didn't say that I'm pleased for this weird goodbye, in a way, I would also like to thank you! Thank you for being my 'friend'. For never wanting me to fall into the void that you once fell in. Thank you for always being so real. I say 'friend' because we were a complicated people. Although we grew very close, we were never defined as to what we were but I'm content to have had someone like you in my life. Someone to help me adjust to this new country, culture and different people.
You really were an extraordinary person in my life! You helped me figure out so much about myself like the fact that despite all the really bad days that I had and continue to have, it does not automatically mean that life will continue to be like that (one of our wishes). I'm extremely thankful to have taken out my anger on you without your knowledge. That if we are really honest with each other, you'd know that we were never friends. At least, I don't think we were. (I really hope you think I'm wrong)
But don't fray, S. I mean you never would because whether you like it or not, I know you. Because for a good few years, you were my truest friend. I confided in you with anything and everything.
And while you might be wondering what I must have what I learnt from our 10 years. Well, I know this for sure, we are both crap at expressing our feelings! I'm getting better at it but there are some things that I wish, I should've publicly expressed. But more than anyone, as annoying as you might be, you have listened to me and taught me that two people can spend numerous consecutive days, texting day and night and never get bored of each other... but we did. We grew tired of each other and that's one of my biggest regrets! But we can't change the past. No matter how much we want to.
We've both changed drastically. You've changed so much! Though I may disapprove of some of your becoming ways, it's not my call. However, what is my call is to say that it's insensitive that you don't have high standards for me and my future. Out of all the people I've come across in life, I expected you to believe in me, the most and I guess, that's partly the reason for this letter. You never believed in me or if you did, you never showed it and I grew tired of that. So I gave you up and went out to find people that did.
To be honest, I am surprised that we were able to run beside each other for so long. But it was the disappearing act, that broke us. Still, I bear no regrets about our friendship. For those ten years bear some of my greatest memories but this is my fresh start. And I wanted to write to you and say that I apologise for never telling you how I felt. Though I am not sorry that we grew apart because it was you that grew apart from us and you never once looked back! And more than anything, I so desperately want that for myself too.
I'm hoping Leicester will teach me that.
I'm hoping Leicester will teach me that.
