wait, what? --> Post 2014 Thoughts

Shit, man.

I don't know what to do.

Honestly, I don't know what to do anymore though I feel as if I'm struck in an endless cycle

Frankly, as I finished secondary school; I came to the realisation that I was only friends with some people in school because I saw them 5 times a week

And I mean no disrespect when I say this but, fcuk dude; I know in those 5 years I was meant to learn some life lessons and get those friends that I'd care for life

But that's not what's happened

I honestly don't give a fcuk anymore because I no longer have the energy for meaningless friendships, forced interactions or unnecessary conversations

I mean it out the kindness of my heart, I feel as if I've had a fair and just life so far

I say that because I've tried to keep God in my life but not always succeed and sought forgiveness

However, I think I'm getting there because every day is a new day, therefore it's a new start for me

With friends, I think that being alone makes you stronger because I think it's probably the fact that I have siblings to give me advice on stuff like this

I know that the world is a shitty place and therefore it would be very nice every now and then to show humanity to those around you because we all need a little help every now and then

How do I stop caring about people who don't give a shit about me?

Isn't it weird that you can have friends but also have no friends at the same time?

In all honestly, I don't require much in life

All I'm looking for is having God in my life, happiness, peace and the comfort of family and friends

Recently the circle of friends has got smaller and I've been fairly understandable about it because people have shown their true colours

Secondary school was a BITCH at times but it has made me into someone strong and more independent

To classify and conclude, 

No, I don't have low self-esteem and I think that I have good taste in music

This summer is all about becoming my "true" self - whoever she is

I do realise that the repercussions of my actions have cost me relationships and I don't think I care anymore

I did what I thought was best at the time

I'm sick of people telling me to "get over it" because FCUK YOU!

You don't know what's going on in my head 

I've seen people lost interest in others and it has been gut-wrenching because it's one of the worst things ever 

I'm still trying to find that "word of phrase" of when you have friends but are still lonely

No worries, I'm perfectly fine or at least I think I am

Anyway, I will be but before I sign off, I'd like to say 

R.I.P to all the friendships where we once acted like lovers at some point, and now we barely talk

We only care to pass a meaningless glance across room and a "fake" smile

So if you come across me, please;

Don't tell me that it's just a phase, I've been sad for more than 4 freakin' years. 
Therefore, this is not "just a phase"

Right now I'm searching for knowledge

I'm searching for myself 

But mostly importantly, I'm searching for where I truly belong - God

This one of the few reasons I despise life because there's shit that's fcuked up but I also know that this too is an excuse 

So I don't want you to accept it

What I want you to know is that...

I only seek 4 things in life, I don't want much because I've been taught to work hard for what I want and that's what I will do