Thoughts

I've been awake since 1am. And in that time, I've listened to Fall Out Boy, watched Ted talks and Laggies. Technically, I only got 4 hours of sleep which is pretty normal for me. However, I more than usual, I find myself contemplating about life.

I still catch myself worrying about things that don't matter anymore (very frequently).  And I have several days, often weeks or months where I'm pulled into this dark abyss. I just feel like life is just shitty because I'm watching my friends enjoy it; whereas I'm trying so hard to get through the day.

I've really never been the person that enjoyed having lots of friends or a big friendship group. Nonetheless, that never stopped me from making friends in all the friendship groups at school. And that's the problem because even though I have these terrific friends, it's difficult feeling like there's no one to talk to about all the bull that you're going through.

But it wasn't always like this. Nothing ever is. Changed happened! I used to adore the company of my friends. I still do but it's frustrating feeling lonely all the time despite having people around you, who care. And I'm trying so hard to feel be at the moment. I really am! But lately, happiness  feels more like a chore. It feels selective. It's really disheartening that I hardly see my friends anymore, and when I do, I can't connect with them.

I understand that life doesn't get any easier. Life is not fair. But then again, no one ever said it was. Instead, life is just a lot of other things. And yes, I'll never meet all the people in the world but I really should have fun with those that I come across. Even the short ones.

January 12th might be hell but it only comes once a year. And so do the months that follow and every time I find myself falling into that void, I have to understand that it's not necessary a bad thing. It's just who I am and I guess it is something I have the deal with. I've also learned that friendship is something that's not common. Genuine friendship is rare, and I'm glad that it's taken me 18 years to find this kind friend. The search and the heartbreak were worth it.

So this is where I draw my conclusion. I'm striving for change. I always will. I'm in the process of acceptance. But do human beings ever dream a whole new life and make it come true? Or do they go back to the way they were?