Take Care

"As of right now you could disappear and no one would notice enough to care." Only if that were true!

I still have a long way to go. I still have tons to mistakes to make and learn from. I'm still growing knowing that I'm gonna get my heart broken or worse. I also know that I'll sometimes be unfair to others and hurt them though I try my best not to. Unfortunately, I'm stuck in the middle unable to move. Move and hide from all these faults that are creeping slowly towards me. While I give out glances to friends, family and strangers; I think to myself if all I've done has been worth it. The pain, the joy, the grief. All of it. Was it really worth it? The humiliation and disenchantment the I've triggered. I stand in the limelight and hear the voices of laughter echo in my ears deafening them with harsh words that have been spoken or thought of by me. With every spiteful word and thought thrown at me, I break a little bit more. 

Even though I had shut people out several times, it's not because I don't love them; because I do. It's because I've seen the sorrow and struggle that I've been put through and suddenly think that when I grow up I'm gonna become that person. The person that always hurts people breaks them down with her words, and I don't want to be. I mean I wish I could depend on everyone I've come across but I hate feeling like a common punching bag and I hate making them feel like they are less than what they are. Because they're not, they are so much bigger that what they can imagine; they just don't know it yet. 

What if... what if I didn't have them? Where would I be? Would they still bother to come back? It's weird you know because they do! They are still the same people, they don't treat me any differently but for some reason I do. I don't know why, but I just  do.

Apparently, having people  that love you is something indescribable  How can I be someone's friend if I keep everyone in the dark? Why? Because I'm becoming the type of girl that I'm trying to avoid. I've never stood a chance of changing. Maybe my purpose in life is hurting people everywhere that I go. It's been so easy and simple. I've kind of adapted it to being some sort of lifestyle. I write off people that I don't need. It means that the chances of getting hurt are less greater than they were before. Though someday I'll have to. I deserve so much better, but so does everybody else in the world. I'm not the only one hurting!

I've taken great care to be the person that my friends have always wanted me to be. More girly. Happier. More open. More them. But along the way, I lost sight of myself. It was time to be my mother's daughter. The person that I thought I was meant to be. But as you can guess, it didn't work out. I'm just so angry all the time and I don't know why. There are several people trying to help me and believe me when I say that 'I do want their help' but it never seems to work out. I can't sit down now and feel sorry for myself. It's just not right. I can't go on hurting people just because I'm unhappy. Its time to find me no matter how much pain I have to go through. I've gotta learn how to TAKE CARE of myself!