Did You Find It?

I'm not sure if whether it's got better or worse. Though I haven't been too happy nor too sad. I've been all over the place which kind of sucks knowing the fact that I don't know what I'm feeling. I do know that there have been moments when I felt like bawling out my tears; wanting them to just exit my body so that I could never cry again but it didn't work.  

Do I have good news? Well... I got a card from my daddy. He wished me well for my exams! I'm kind of glad, you know. There are days when I felt like giving up but his card cheered me up. During this past week, I'm not quite sure whether it's been exam stress but I thought the world was going to crumble around me. With so many expectations to reach, making sure that I don't disappoint anyone whilst achieving them. It all seemed too much and everything kind of blurred in front of me spelling worthless. It feels like I'm headed nowhere except that I know the end result isn't intentionally going to be what I want it to be. I do try so hard. I really do. Sadly, people make it seem like I've made no progress which knocks me down. 

The God that's meant to lead us into light seems to have forsaken me, I think. Or is it because I haven't cried out loud enough? I'm not even sure where my faith is at the moment but I have definitely tried to make everything right. I've tried to open up, not snap at anyone  and be honest with myself. It all ended with tears. Reason why? I don't know.

A few years ago, I thought that I would grow up to see everyone of my family members stay the way they were. Though in some way, I think their loss affected me a lot. I believed in the silliest things and no one bothered to tell me the truth.  I eventually found out myself and it crushed my spirit. I remember it so clearly it were like yesterday. I remember asking my granddad "why he couldn't walk?" But he never replied , simply because he could no longer speak. I must have been like 7 or 8. Soon after that moment, I watched every day as my granddad was helped to do everything  I never heard him speak again. It was devastating. Though I reside on the bad memories, I try and keep the good ones alive within me.

I've learnt how to control my outbursts. Also learnt that not everything will go the way we want to. Not everyone will stay on the earth, no matter how much we want them to nor no matter how much we pray. I can't recover all in one go but I can start with a small step. Which I can't seem to find. Life has screwed me up, but the weird thing is I don't feel the pain it causes anymore. The pain appears a few days after I've accepted it. 

Life has been hard during this past months. In fact harder than I excepted it to be but I have to think of the people out there are less off than I am. I can't dwell on my own misery when I know that I can help others. And sure I'll find that hard as well but I must try. I must be positive. I can't keep myself in the past because life moves on. It waits for no one because if you're left behind. You are merely a woeful, pathetic soul that will wander around for several years going in spirals.

I'm still breathing and for that I'm glad. I'm surrounded by loved ones and for that, I appreciate. Of course, living is a chore but there are people who want to live but don't get their wishes. I've learnt to be thankful for what I have. I just wish finding answers were that simple.