Words I Hope You'll Read

I've been a university student for 20 days and truth be told, I'm exhausted! 

I'm tired! Stressed. Nostalgic. And Sleep-deprived. 

I have no idea, how I could be feeling all these in less than a month but its kind of put me in a tough spot. Something that doesn't lessen the load and only makes me wonder whether going to university was the right decision. 

Now I know, some will protest that the only way I'll ever get a decent life is if I get the "higher, higher education" and I do believe, that this is true to some extent. But as you've heard me say many times before and will continue to do so, it's actual bull because I feel like I was pushed into the position that I'm in at this moment. I feel smothered! I literally have no clue what I'm doing with my life or with my life in general, because for 3 years, this blog has been my safety zone. Shielding me from pain and unsureness. It's been my friend in my darkest hours and I now need it more than ever. 

It's been a tremendous honour watching how far I've come in the past 3 years, from a naive, angry introvert to a somewhat still naive, outspoken introvert. Looking back at all I've overcome is exhilarating and only makes me want to accomplish more; however now that I'm in the final stage of my education, I feel like there's so much that I wasn't taught in secondary school. 

Nonetheless, I totally appreciate my teachers! They were and are incredible humans because my generation is more than a difficult generation. Whilst we're determined, we are also impossible. 

However, it would have been great if one of my teachers could've told me the number of times, I would disintegrate in a week. Had my teachers told me that after my lectures, I'd lock myself in my room, bring my knees to my chest and cry for no apparent reason; I can assure you that I never would've applied for university. Because it's draining letting the flood of sadness in, three times a week. 

I was never told how lonely I would be. Despite the fact, that I made nine amazing friends on my first day, I still feel alone. I have no one to confide in. I was told that my university years would be the best years of my life. That this is where I would make life-long friends, but it doesn't feel like it. It doesn't feel real. None of this does! 

And the worst thing is that I can't tell my siblings how miserable I am. I can't tell them how I feel out of place with everything and everyone. I can't speak to my friends and it's not because I don't want to. I physically can't! No matter how much I try. I can't speak to anyone because I feel like there's no one to understand me anymore. 

And that fucking sucks! 

University right now is my own personal hell. I hope everyone's having a better experience!