Letters To People I Love: 2016

The year is over
I spent 365 days battling myself, my inner demons and closing off friends 
At the time, I didn't particularly think that there was a part of me that was deeply committed to self-forgiveness
I sought into the shadows for answers, and now, I'm in my room clueless to what 2017 holds for me
I refuse to be a victim of my past, and my past transgressions 
I refuse to wallow in self-pity because I know that I can do better 
In 2016, I opened a new chapter of my life 
I spent approximately 45 days in Leicester, this was and is to be my life for the next 4 years
I put up a calendar, drunk to my heart's content, and I even tried to float above water 
I also cried along the way
I was deeply hurt
I no longer saw myself as the person I'd hoped to be 
I leave 2016 with a trip in mind, a trip to reconnect with an old friend and maybe get a chance for relaxation and renewal 
My time in Leicester has taught me to fold my good days in twos and shelf them for later use 
There is no use for me to set a fire on a life that I've so desperately craved
I leave Leicester's pain in the past because 2017 has to be better than this, it just has to 
I cleanse myself of all the heartache, all the hatred and regret 
I am thrilled for the new start
Damn, I ready hope 2017 is better than half my years on this earth 
I hope I'm ready

Letters To People I Love: Do Not Let University Destroy You

I say this because it is true. Some of us university students, enter university and make it our whole lives; which to some extent, it is. But then again, it is not because I am sat on my bed at this very moment wallowing in tears because I'm tired and I'm stressed. Considering that I have only been here a little under 4 months and I already feel defeated. I miss my friends and family. I miss being able to talk to them every day, ask how their day was. I miss being around them, in general. It's all these little things, the ones that you think are insignificant, the ones that you begin to realise when you are away. I miss it all. 

I generally feel like I'm falling behind in life because I'm struggling with understanding my assignments, which always seems to flood every time I finish one. But I know that it is not motivation that I need nor inspiration, I really would just like a break. From university, from my friends and family. From life, in all honesty, because I am so overwhelmed and the one person I  can talk to is literally on the other side of the world. So I'm here in my rooms crying softly hoping that none of my housemates hear me crumble. 

Forgotten Misft Travels

1. Reims, France - May. 2011
2. Lloret de Mar, Spain - Jun. 2012
3. Lille, France - 2010
4. Frankfurt de Main, Germany - Dec. 2016
5. Boston, Massachusetts - Aug. 2016
6. Times Square, New York - Aug. 2016
7. Ypres, Belgium - Jun. 2015
8. Rio De Janiero, Brazil
9. Dublin, Ireland
10. Bangkok, Thailand
11. Amsterdam, The Netherlands
12. Reykjavik, Iceland
13. Strasbourg, France - Apr. 2015
14. Copenhagen, Denmark 
15. Bergen, Norway
16. Santiago, Chile
17. Hong Kong, China
18. Hangzhou, China
19. Veron, Italy
20. Sedona, Arizona
21. Edinburgh, Scotland
22. Stockholm, Sweden
23. Oahu, Hawaii
24. Lisbon, Portugal
25. Solola, Guatemala
26. Quepos, Costa Rica
27. Vancouver, Canada
28. Berlin, Germany
29. Paris, France - May. 2011
30. Melbourne, Australia
31. Gold Coast, Australia 
32. Madrid, Spain
33. Prague, Czech Republic
34. Budapest, Hungary 
35. Dubrovnik, Croatia
36. Johannesburg, South Africa
37. Cardiff, Wales
38. San Ignacio Town, Belize
39. Nairobi, Kenya
40. Auckland, New Zealand
41. New York City, New York - Aug. 2016
42. Valparaiso, Chile
43. Haiphong, Vietnam
44. Zurich, Switzerland
45. Seoul, South Korea
46. Siem Reap, Cambodia
47. Fiji - Jul. 2017 
48. Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia 
49. Ore, Portland 
50. Taipei, Taiwan 

McFly @ Their Best

Love On The Radio

I Wrote This For You

I wrote this for you, 
For you and only you.
You need to understand this, 
You shouldn't fall his looks, but for his roots.
Never his charm, but for the way he treats you, 
In public and in private.
You must never make it easy,
Because they won't make it easy for you.
Know yourself, define yourself before him. 
That way, if he were to hurt you, 
You'd know not to lose yourself over someone so temporary.
I wrote this for you, 
For you and only you.
Because not everyone who reads it will get it, or you. 
I wrote this for you,
Because these words were meant for you,
For you and only you. 

Not Everyone Matters...

There will come a day when the world will cease to be no more 
When the nothingness has consumed the earth and we are no more
There will be no one to praise or mourn for our non-existence 
But that's not for a while now 
Right now, at this very moment; you are 1 in 8 billion - soon to be 9 billion

Block DD Uncensored

Thought it was about time that I introduce you to my housemates for the year. :) Unfortunately, we're a housemate short in both :( but she has made it onto our polaroid memory wall.

The Legendary Leicester Bar Crawl. 2016

V.

Hallows. Ed. 2016

I really was gonna post "uncensored pictures" of the flat but with the type of people that I leave with, it's better that they stay censored for now. Until the end of the semester at least, or year...

10 Things I've Learnt At UoL (first semester, year one)

1. Listen to your brothers when it comes to finances. They're older than you for a reason (and they're smart too!) - I should be good with money seeing as both my older brothers did a degree in Finance and something but unfortunately, I'm not. Dealing with my finances and budgeting is an issue that I'm struggling with but I have no doubt that uni is gonna force me to learn. In a way, I've kind of already learnt because I was successful in making a budget for the first term but only followed it for the first two weeks. So I guess whilst that's progress, there's still a lot of work that needs to be done!
2. Don't hang out with people who treat you like shit! You're simply not and you, of all people, know it's not worth it - I'm not so much a people person, regardless of what you'll hear/see. Although my time at secondary was spent learning that with me hanging around with people just for the sake of it, I came to realise that that was a shitty thing to do. It wasn't because I was scared of being myself but rather, I was scared of missing out. I wanted to be there for everything that happened so that I wouldn't feel left out when they explained it to someone else. And I know that habits are hard to break but you don't need some crappy person to define your self-worth. We've only been at uni for a month and it's disgusting seeing people behave as if they are still in secondary. 
3. Every time you have an opportunity to travel, take it! There's so much that the world has to offer. So much that you have yet to see - One of the best things about being at uni are all the opportunities it offers. I am an avid traveller, so whenever trips came around; I would plead to my mum to let me go. I'm not sure why but there's something about travelling that makes me feel composed and at peace. Hence why I'm thrilled about my year abroad in my third year, I'm not even sure if I'll be accepted but for one, that's something to look forward to. Other opportunities, my uni offers include going overseas for two weeks in the summer and volunteer  to help build schools or house (something that I'll look forward to being apart of in my second year) or go to Asia over the summer and learn a new language. What's even better is the fact that we have all this FREE MONEY from the government and a ridiculous and tempting overdraft (£1,500). So obviously, I have to take advantage of that hence why I'm going to Germany in December (a trip every semester?). However, I'd advise you that you make your budget for the semester first, pay for your accommodation and then do whatever you please with the remaining money. (Try not to go into your overdraft because that's NOT free money, they lie to you!)
4. Find something to believe in, something to keep you going at your lowest. Believe in yourself, I don't care how cheesy this sounds - Believing in yourself works because at the end of the day, at the end of everything; there's no one else to believe in you, except for yourself, and that account for more than you'll ever know! 
5. Enjoy being by yourself. It doesn't mean you're lonely - I value my alone time. In fact, I crave it when I'm interacting with people because it's my time for reflection. It's a chance for you to think and question yourself about what you've done in that week, whether you're proud of your actions,  and how to plan for the following week to be better. It's a SACRED time!
6. Depression doesn't define you - Depression does not become you. You have 365 days in a year, try to have fun in all those days and when depression hits you; don't give into it. Try your best not to give in, no matter how difficult or appealing the void may seem, you're stronger than what you think in those dark times.
7. Exercise can cure just about everything - It has to! Seeing as I paid £225 for a gym membership. The exercise that I do has to cure my stress, my homesickness and my emotions. IT HAS TO! It doesn't have a choice.
8. Do your assigned readings - You're gonna read those books when you're older. But it's better if you do it now, I think. Though reading them again in 5 or 10 years won't be so bad to see how your perspective has changed.
9. Always make time for your friends - Just because you've moved to a new city, doesn't mean you should forget your friends back home. Amongst those friends are lifelong friends and fake friends, the ones that you should've dropped already (I'm not quite sure why some might still have them). And as much as you're gonna love your new friends, don't forget the ones left you back home because they got you to where you are. Facetime them when you can. Text them. Visit them. Have them visit you. Though as much as you may want to maintain your friendships, it shouldn't be you making all the effort; friendships are a two-way street.
10. I am insignificant - This is last for a reason and it's not as bad as it sounds because it's true. Being at uni has shown me that I'm INSIGNIFICANT and so are you! We live in a world with 8 billion other people and an ever-growing population. Our problems are a mere grain of the sand compared to all the other real problems going on. What I'm saying is that make time for yourself but make MORE time to know what's going on beyond your own little world like the fact that America's NEXT president could be a sexist, pussy grabbing pig called DONALD TRUMP! 

Life?

Words I Hope You'll Read

I've been a university student for 20 days and truth be told, I'm exhausted! 

I'm tired! Stressed. Nostalgic. And Sleep-deprived. 

I have no idea, how I could be feeling all these in less than a month but its kind of put me in a tough spot. Something that doesn't lessen the load and only makes me wonder whether going to university was the right decision. 

Now I know, some will protest that the only way I'll ever get a decent life is if I get the "higher, higher education" and I do believe, that this is true to some extent. But as you've heard me say many times before and will continue to do so, it's actual bull because I feel like I was pushed into the position that I'm in at this moment. I feel smothered! I literally have no clue what I'm doing with my life or with my life in general, because for 3 years, this blog has been my safety zone. Shielding me from pain and unsureness. It's been my friend in my darkest hours and I now need it more than ever. 

It's been a tremendous honour watching how far I've come in the past 3 years, from a naive, angry introvert to a somewhat still naive, outspoken introvert. Looking back at all I've overcome is exhilarating and only makes me want to accomplish more; however now that I'm in the final stage of my education, I feel like there's so much that I wasn't taught in secondary school. 

Nonetheless, I totally appreciate my teachers! They were and are incredible humans because my generation is more than a difficult generation. Whilst we're determined, we are also impossible. 

However, it would have been great if one of my teachers could've told me the number of times, I would disintegrate in a week. Had my teachers told me that after my lectures, I'd lock myself in my room, bring my knees to my chest and cry for no apparent reason; I can assure you that I never would've applied for university. Because it's draining letting the flood of sadness in, three times a week. 

I was never told how lonely I would be. Despite the fact, that I made nine amazing friends on my first day, I still feel alone. I have no one to confide in. I was told that my university years would be the best years of my life. That this is where I would make life-long friends, but it doesn't feel like it. It doesn't feel real. None of this does! 

And the worst thing is that I can't tell my siblings how miserable I am. I can't tell them how I feel out of place with everything and everyone. I can't speak to my friends and it's not because I don't want to. I physically can't! No matter how much I try. I can't speak to anyone because I feel like there's no one to understand me anymore. 

And that fucking sucks! 

University right now is my own personal hell. I hope everyone's having a better experience! 

snippets

what are you so worried about?
beneath our surface of worries is a bigger, deeper level of worries 
what is the point of worrying?

never in the history of calming down has anyone ever been told to calm down and they've calmed down

focus on the now! focus on the today!

HELLO L-E-S-T-A-!

I've tried multiple times to write but I have been unsuccessful at every attempt, which was disheartening because I wanted to let you know about all that's happened. However, this time, around I decided to give it another try as I wasn't yet ready to say goodbye to something that has been apart of me for so long. 

It's been a trying journey. Trying to preserve something that rescued me during my darkest days. Though, Leicester has proven to be my biggest obstacle yet. With the new environment, new people and a new culture. This is one obstacle that I hope to conquer. 

My Little London #pride2016

Life Messages #1

And if you feel like life is being unfair, just look back on all the splendid moments that it gave you 
Wish for more. 
Wish for nothing else but light but understand that it won't always come straight away 
So I urge you to seek comfort in your special people, even if it's just one
We aren't life best caretakers but with the right people, we can try to be and that will be enough

Letters To People I Love: Forgiveness/Acceptance

It's been a while since I've actually had the time to put my pen to paper and composed something heartfelt. With all the changes taking place, I thought that this would be the perfect time to do so; as eventually, I'd like to look back at this letter and write a response to it...hopefully on this exact date. 

Now like most letters, this too has its own recipient but I haven't decided whether or not, I should give it to them; as it would lead to the fall of many dominoes. And I'm just not in the right state of mind to watch such atrocities occur, so for now, I am okay with pinning it against this space.

To (whoever it may concern),

I've written this letter multiple times, on paper, and in my head. Though every time, I tried to start the reason for the letter became different. I'm not sure why and I hope I never find out because deep down I fear the answer. My intention is not to critique you (though it might look that way). It's to show that even though we are not/haven't been 'friends' in the last few years, I am glad to have had you in my life for the years that we got.

You are/were my longest and most treasured friend, and I hope you know how eternally grateful I am for that. But like most friendships, they all come to an end. And I guess, you could call the end of our friendship, my second heartbreak because I invested everything I had in it - only to watch it crumble. And when that happened, I had no idea what to do. I haven't had the slightest clue for the past few months because I didn't want to replace you but then university happened and somehow I saw it as the perfect opportunity for a fresh start. 

I can recall conversing with you about our hopes and dreams. The things that we wished for each other. Leicester was to be that for me! I know that you are finally taking the steps to achieve yours and please know how excited I am for you. Because although we didn't work out, I wanted something of ours to excel. Leicester was the fresh start from everything that had been holding me back and most importantly, my new start from you. 

Our friendship was a fast-paced kind of friendship. Though it was a tricky one, it was the countless and random drama that broke us. And I would be lying if I didn't say that I'm pleased for this weird goodbye, in a way, I would also like to thank you! Thank you for being my 'friend'. For never wanting me to fall into the void that you once fell in. Thank you for always being so real.  I say 'friend' because we were a complicated people. Although we grew very close, we were never defined as to what we were but I'm content to have had someone like you in my life. Someone to help me adjust to this new country, culture and different people.

You really were an extraordinary person in my life! You helped me figure out so much about myself like the fact that despite all the really bad days that I had and continue to have, it does not automatically mean that life will continue to be like that (one of our wishes). I'm extremely thankful to have taken out my anger on you without your knowledge. That if we are really honest with each other, you'd know that we were never friends. At least, I don't think we were. (I really hope you think I'm wrong)

But don't fray, S. I mean you never would because whether you like it or not, I know you. Because for a good few years, you were my truest friend. I confided in you with anything and everything.

And while you might be wondering what I must have what I learnt from our 10 years. Well, I know this for sure, we are both crap at expressing our feelings! I'm getting better at it but there are some things that I wish, I should've publicly expressed. But more than anyone, as annoying as you might be, you have listened to me and taught me that two people can spend numerous consecutive days, texting day and night and never get bored of each other... but we did. We grew tired of each other and that's one of my biggest regrets! But we can't change the past. No matter how much we want to. 

We've both changed drastically. You've changed so much! Though I may disapprove of some of your becoming ways, it's not my call. However, what is my call is to say that it's insensitive that you don't have high standards for me and my future. Out of all the people I've come across in life, I expected you to believe in me, the most and I guess, that's partly the reason for this letter. You never believed in me or if you did, you never showed it and I grew tired of that. So I gave you up and went out to find people that did. 

To be honest, I am surprised that we were able to run beside each other for so long. But it was the disappearing act, that broke us. Still, I bear no regrets about our friendship. For those ten years bear some of my greatest memories but this is my fresh start. And I wanted to write to you and say that I apologise for never telling you how I felt. Though I am not sorry that we grew apart because it was you that grew apart from us and you never once looked back! And more than anything, I so desperately want that for myself too. 

I'm hoping Leicester will teach me that. 

 

SS Twenty Sixteen