reason 189, 337.

 

i can't forgive the world because it has you. 

december.

 

call him. ask him out... to end it all. 

use all your might, to make sure you don't fall apart in front of him. 

you'll have all the time in the world, afterwards.

this modern love: my submission

 

dear r,

you ruined so many friendships and birthdays for me. 

alice.

the one that ends us: the epilogue

 

i was thinking about this recently and in a way, I think I have come to hate you.

because you have ruined so much for me. 

friendships. trust. love. 

i tried so hard... not to hate you, believe me, i did but i lost.

 because i think that if i truly want to stop - i have to hate you, in some way.

because its too hard.

and since i was the one who started it, then it's only fair that I should be the one to stop it.  

letter to people I love: the epilogue, his last words...

 

"if that's how you want to do it then yeah, sure."

so, i guess this really this the end. 

i bet if i hadn't had all those practice runs, this cut would've cut deeply. it still does. but i can manage through it. you gave me enough false starts. 

the cruelest death reimagined after may 24th 2022.

 [the cruelest death: 

to have your body violated by bullets,

in what should be your safest place from home.

and yet your country still chooses to cast you aside,

to protect the shells that erased you from existence.

from being. from learning. from loving. from feeling pain.

but do you think they will remember you… before you become, but a mere blurry reminiscent of what you once were?

of the atrocities committed,

promised not to be repeated.

[it’s impolite to even contemplate such tragedies befalling the loved ones of those in power. 

those who can stop the hurt,

but refuse.

but it hurts because how is it that one day you were here.

then you just were not. 

how can we move on, when you were taken so viciously? 

how can we even fathom a life without your infectious laughter?

how can we stop the tears from salting our faces whenever we think of you? when we stare at your empty seat at the table? when we are asked where you are by your friends, brothers, sisters?

who will hold our hand, give us a hug, when we are struggling to breathe because we have to move on without you? or just because...

because you were phenomenal at making us feel better. as a parent, when we felt defeated and as beings because you made us complete, when you were born.]

do you think your country will remember that you were once a kid, [happy, bright + pure of hatred + rage] a [young] being that existed [along side us] eager to begin life?

[to go home, kiss your parents good night, play with friends and siblings and repeat your simple days.]

• stoneman douglas high school robb elementary school]

letters to people I love: the one that ended us.

it happened again...

i'm so sorry. i didn't mean for it.

it just happened.

letters to people I love: the one that almost ended us.

 

it's the same with more ramblings. 

i‘ve wanted to tell you multiple times. years before my 24th. after that moment where i picked you. i wanted to tell you about how guilty i felt for choosing you, instead of her. but i knew she’d always be around. she always has been. i wanted to work on you and i because i had never had a person like you before. it happened so quickly. we became close so fast despite constantly being in different spaces. i wanted to tell you in person but i somehow always ended up intoxicated and shied away. perhaps it because i could not muster up the courage to do it. so i have once settled for the safest of places for me, paper, (and of course you will hear it over phone) - so here goes…

remember that night where you „asked“ me about the party and she defended me but you kept pressing. remember how earlier that day you’d called me at work and when i called back, you said you were „fine“ but i knew you weren’t. then you acted the way you did towards me. in front of our closest friends. that’s how it began. my dislike for you that had not yet shifted into hatred. remember how a few days before my birthday i asked for space from us and you broadcasted to everyone, so i had to carve and seek your forgiveness - this was not right of them. of you. because i didn’t want to forgive you at the time. i wanted you to come after me… to ask me to talk about what was wrong but you didn’t. i want it on my terms now. without worry of being hypocritical to our friends about me being fine - when i am not. i don’t like you anymore. but i also don’t want to hate you. and what sucks even more is that we have been friends for almost 8 years, so it’s not like we can go back to being strangers. 

so option 2 will have to be enough…  we are not friends. or at least i don’t want to be your friend for a while. and i don’t know how long „a while“ is for the two of us but i do know it begins now. this friendship… what we have/had has meant the world to me. we connected deeper than i ever with anyone. we were both shitty people for a time but found our way back and that was my favourite thing about us. at least i thought it was. i‘ve realised that it wasn’t. rather it was merely confusion on my part that we were in this together. oh how absolutely wrong i was. because you have never put in any effort. you’ve never asked about how i am. never come to see me first. it’s always been me making the first move despite the fact that if someone were to ask me your favourite or food, i wouldn’t have a clue. essentially it’s been a chore where i have fought to hold us up because i was scared of losing you. but not anymore because i honestly could’ve used a friend in the past couple of years. but you don’t qualify as that anymore because a real friend would know about all the crap i‘ve been dealing with lately. and it sucks because i always thought that i’d have you for forever... somehow i thought i would see you forever.  

i thought a lot about the first time i asked for space and i was guilted into forgiving you. rather you had everyone else tell me how sorry you were without actually saying it. then we had the „incident“ where you publicly ridiculed me in front of our friends. and i think that’s how it started… the point that i started disliking you because i didn’t want to hate you. i could never bring myself to do such thing.