i wanted to tell you multiple times. years before my 24th. i waned to tell you about how guilty i felt for choosing you, instead of her. but i knew she’d always be around. i wanted to work on you and i because i had never had a person like you before. i wanted to tell you in person but i somehow always ended up intoxicated and shied away. or maybe it was because i could not muster up the courage to do it. so i have once settled for the safest of places for me, paper, (and of course you will here it over phone) - so here goes…
we are not friends. or at least i don’t want to be your friend for a while. and i don’t know how long „a while“ is for the two of us but i do know it begins now. i thought a lot about the first time i asked for space and i was guilted into forgiving you. i didn’t want to forgive you. i wanted you to come after me… to ask me to talk about what was wrong but you didn’t. rather you had everyone else tell me how sorry you were without actually saying it. then we had the „incident“ where you publicly ridiculed me in front of our friends. and i think that’s how it started… the point that i started disliking you because i didn’t want to hate you. i could never bring myself to do such thing.
this friendship… what we have/had has meant the world to me. we connected deeper than i ever with anyone. we were both shitty people for a time but found our way back and that was my favourite thing about us. at least i thought it was. i‘ve realised that it wasn’t. rather it was merely confusion on my part that we were in this together. oh how absolutely wrong i was. because you have never put in any effort. you’ve never asked about how i am. never come to see me first. it’s always been me making the first move despite the fact that if someone were to ask me your favourite or food, i wouldn’t have a clue. essentially it’s been a chore where i have fought to hold us up because i was scared of losing you. but not anymore because i honestly could’ve used a friend in the past couple of years. but you don’t qualify as that anymore because a real friend would know about all the crap i‘ve been dealing with lately. and it sucks because i always thought that i’d have you for forever... somehow i thought i would see you forever.
