Current State

At this very moment, in this very hour, I am lost. I have no idea what I can or should do next. I am finding myself at the verdict of self-destruction. 

At the age of 15, you shouldn't have a lot to worry about except from school. You shouldn't have dozens of responsibility apart from the ones you know that have to do. At 15, life should be simple, at least. 

But then again, I feel the complete opposite. I feel like I have a ton of things to do and several people to please, but I'm not enjoying any of it. I'm slowly dwindling into emptiness and have almost pushed all my friends away from me. I hardly talk to anyone anymore, which I seem fine with but honestly I do detest so much. The fact that I consider myself to be in some way corrupted and just can't find anyone who gets me aggravates me so much. 

I would like to be able to have few to worry about and not be able to have the most peculiar thoughts day to day. However, it doesn't seem like that's going to occur anytime soon. I do realize that there will be days that will infuriate me a lot but I need to learn how to handle situations like that. I've lost friends this year, though that doesn't seem to bother me at all. And in spite of this, I don't want to lose the ones that still remain in my life because I would actually abandon all hope.

Besides, I've already detached myself from several relationships and I really hope that I made the right decision. As you can see, I'm not in the best of places right now although I would give anything for that to change. I'm telling you this because I trust you and I have no one else to tell because they all seem so busy going on about with their lives. I don't want to be alone through this and I know I won't because I have you. Of course, I'm aware that God's also with me and my faith is in him, despite the fact that I'm not so sure what I am. 

I won't disagree that my life isn't fun. It is. But I'm searching for something that will make it great, something that will make it matter.