first thoughts of 27

 

I thought about taking my life today 

I don't know if it's primarily because I've reached this number but it's been weighing on this year more so, than any other 

and I cannot seem to shake it this time 

every now and then, it catches me and grips me tighter and tighter, slowly squeezing the breath from me 

I just seem to feel everything so much more 

and I'm not sure if it's because this year has been particularly tough but I'm terrified  

because I also have the unfortunate awareness of how selfish, I'd be... if I were to do that

I have always felt this way. about this but isn't that also selfish toward myself

because if it will bring me peace, saneness 

then why should I be concerned about what others will say... feel

especially when I won't even be here to hear it... feel it 

- late night ramblings. day 4 of 27

 

you cannot sustain yourself on the fantasies that live inside your mind. eventually, you have to concede defeat and return to reality. for you cannot really exist without touching your life.

Letters To People I Love: Reasons To Stay Alive n.2

 

I am feeling out of place. In every aspect of my life, I so desperately need something to hold onto so; I thought my first love - writing, might help and what better way to find myself solid ground than writing? 

so here's an old one that encapsulates my current emotions: 

1. You are not alone. You are on another planet and it may seem like no one understands you but believe me when I say, that there is someone who does. You may think that this is not true but only because the reference is yourself. That person that understands you have been here, others have been here. You're in a world with billions of people. 
2. Things will not get worse. The worst you will ever get to is wanting to kill yourself, believe me, I've been there. You can only go up from here. 
3. This is feeling is a warning sign.
4. It won't last forever. No matter how lonesome you feel right now. This pain will not last because pain lies. It's the same with a broken heart. Time heals all pain.
5. You still need to experience the days of joy that match this symptom. Like so many of us, you will look down at a baby fall asleep in your arms, you will cry at the stupidest film/song. You will eat delicious foods, you will once again learn to look at a view from a higher place, without wanting to fall. 
6.  You will read books that will enrich you. They will become your most loyal friends. You will go to places that will still haven't been to. 
7. You will laugh, dance with friends. You will love and have sex with the one that you love. You will learn to be complete before finding that 'one'. You will go for a run, have late-night conversations with people, strangers 
8. Don't give up. Don't ever dwell on giving up because life will wait for you to get better. You might be stuck here for a while but life is worth living.
9. Most important of all, you're worth staying alive.

2023: the year of discipline.

 

one of my favourite writers, Charles Bukowski, once said: 

"if it doesn't come bursting out of you

in spite of everything,

don't do it. 

unless it comes unasked out of your

heart and your mind and your mouth 

and your gut, 

don't do it."

and I agree.

2022 was undoubtedly a crappy year for humanity. we were given a stark and gruesome glimpse of what our future would look, if we refuse to change our ways. we were left paralysed as fires devoured what was left of our nature, as entire countries flooded evoking the creation story in foretold in Genesis and of course, wanting to show how big their ***** were; 

so I would like to try again with writing. 

reason 189, 337.

 

i can't forgive the world because it has you. 

december.

 

call him. ask him out... to end it all. 

use all your might, to make sure you don't fall apart in front of him. 

you'll have all the time in the world, afterwards.

this modern love: my submission

 

dear r,

you ruined so many friendships and birthdays for me. 

alice.